Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lazy-Ass Cooking: Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich

Can't get more Lazy-Ass than this. I present The Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich!

No, I'm not going to tell you how it’s made. That's a secret—a secret that even the frequent users of certain recreational “herbal” products can figure that one out—or so they tell me.

The Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwich—known from here on as the “PB & J” because, after all, I am a Lazy-ass—can be nostalgic, controversial, or just a means of survival.

And how genius is “Whole Grain White” Wonder Bread? It's the same air (or bubble) bread that we have always known, one slice compacted is roughly the size of a sugar cube and with about the same number grams of carbohydrates. I don't care what they call it. It's delishus! The Wonder Bread also tends to hold it's “just-bought-freshness” for an infinite amount of time, except in the dead of summer heat. I'm not sure science knows the half-life of a piece of Wonder Bread and I can't say for certain I have ever seen it go moldy over time.

Side note on bread: PB & J sandwiches are not the same made on 3/$1.00 store brand bread, whole wheat bread, or that loofa-tough-and-scratchy 7-grain type bread. Never skimp on the bread!

Peanut butter, crunchy, chewy, creamy, stripes-of-jelly included…it's a personal choice…well, except for the stripes-of-jelly kind, that's just wrong, especially when the jar is half-gone and the stripes are no longer stripes but more of a brownish-purple goo. Crunchy peanut butter gives much needed to texture to the otherwise soft-and-squishy Wonder Bread and Jelly, but it's a choice. Some peanut butters are harder to spread than others, some have different flavors, it's all a matter of experimenting on which combinations are right for your temperature and climate.

Jelly, jam, fruit spread (I'm not sure why they came up with a separate class for that one, implying that jellies and jams may not be “fruit” at all) should be chosen to compliment both the peanut butter and the bread. It might also be interesting to note that if you become accustomed to berry jellies like strawberry or raspberry, switching to grape tastes weird! I like to go for the fruit spread. You would think that a Lazy-Ass like me would be all over the squeeze jelly, but I wasn't. I don't use a lot of jelly/jam/fruit spread on my sandwiches and couldn't use the squeeze bottle fast enough. That, I can vouch for certain, does go moldy! Fruit spread comes in small bottles and is available with the seeds already removed. How cool is that?

A PB & J sandwich can be assembled almost anywhere and the ingredients are so incredibly portable and, oh my, inexpensive, and that's important because, remember, I'm also a Cheap-Ass.

I'm sure you're thinking, “You're a Lazy-Ass, why not just buy Uncrustables?”
I will admit that I have a box or two of these little gems in the freezer, but they do have some disadvantages:
  • They need to be frozen until almost-ready-to-eat. For best flavor and Wonder Bread-like texture, the Uncrustable must be eaten immediately after thawing and near room temperature. Don't wait too long—they dry out right in the package.
  • Maybe they're still frozen and you're hungry now! A big problem. Microwaving really isn't recommended, trust me. However, they are the perfect shape so you can stuff one into each side of your bra cup and inconspicuous enough so that nobody knows you're actually making lunch. For guys, go for the shirt or jacket pockets. They're flat enough so as not to draw attention as “man-boobs”. When you can no longer feel the chill of the frozen Uncrustable, it's ready!
  • They're only made with creamy peanut butter. This leaves a lot lacking in texture. Smooth bread, smooth jelly (I'm sure it's jelly and not spread), and smooth peanut butter. I'm glad they're so small because one could fall asleep from boredom trying to finish one.
  • There is an imbalance in the peanut-butter-to-jelly-to-bread-ratio. The amount of jelly appears to be twice the necessary amount. It will squeeze out onto whatever you're trying to keep clean and sticky-free, like your keyboard.
  • Eat Two, they're small. Seriously, they're small! Don't let the package fool you. They're small.
  • They're small because the crust and a good portion of the good-bread-part has been removed by the cookie-cutter-ravioli-press type machinery they put those poor sandwiches through just to remove the crust. You didn't think the crusts were cut off by hand by an assembly line of caring motherly figures did you? C'mon…seriously! And crust is important. Everyone knows that all of the vitamins are contained in the skin. Cut it off and you're losing two-thirds of the vitamins and nutrients—just throwing them away…

Ah, but kids love 'em! I noticed that kids love Uncrustables so much that Ikea has created a kid's meal around them. You get one Uncrustables sandwich, chocolate milk, and a chocolate-chip cookie for, like two bucks. Please, mothers, feed your children on your way out of the store…thanks!

No comments:

Post a Comment