Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Dreaded Triple-M and Grocery Hell

I have been preparing for the dreaded triple-M this upcoming Monday Morning's Mammogram thusly:

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:
Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.

Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again!!

In other news...

I have got to start going to the grocery store by myself!

Chips, drinks, snacks, sleeping pills (on sale), five pieces of fruit, and a frozen lasagna—$114 and change.

The big question about four hours later will be, "So…what are we doing for dinner?".

I don't plan menus. I don't even like going to that particular grocery store where the produce is so very fresh and crisp because they keep the entire store at the temperature of a gigantic walk-in refrigerator. This does not work for me as all of my meal planning is done wandering the grocery store aisles. It's hard to concentrate when my extremities are going numb! And the second reason, shopping with Big Al. I wander the aisles gathering ingredients and he takes off with the cart to go find whatever snack food he's looking for. I'm generally juggling bags, boxes, and cans, searching every aisle looking for his cart-pushing ass. And usually he is in line before I even get finished.

Yes, I really need to suck it up, get in the car, and go find a (different) grocery store all by myself. And maybe I should take a list too.

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